


The Internet Presents: #DickTozier

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Richie Tozier is famous and loves his boyfriend, OK [10]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Bisexual Eddie Kaspbrak, Comedian Richie Tozier, Gay Richie Tozier, Interviews, M/M, Multimedia, POV Outsider, Richie Tozier Has a Big Dick, Richie Tozier's Stand Up Act, Social Media, Talk Shows, Twitter, YouTube, never thought i'd be using that tag but here we are in 2020, reddit, transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23056489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: Ben Hanscom ✔@benhandsomeHey @richietozier, we’re having real trouble putting together our new bookcase. Think one of the brackets is warped. Don’t suppose you have a long, rigid tool that could help us out? #dicktozierRichie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔@richietozierreplying to @benhandsomeOh yeah, sure Ben! Always happy to help a friend out. How about this one, will it do? #dicktozier[attached image is a close up of Eddie’s middle finger]Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔@eddietozierreplying to @richietozier @benhandsomeCan I suggest this one instead? Overcompensating much, Ben? #dicktozier[attached image is a photo of Ben’s incredibly bulging bicep, shirtless and flexed. It looks oddly as though it might also be oiled]Richie Tozier, famed comedian, shy debutante and adored husband of the Internet, gets his own trending hashtag after Bill accidentally reveals too much in a DVD extra. He also gets an Oscar nomination, but no-one's talking about that. Unfortunately.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Richie Tozier is famous and loves his boyfriend, OK [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1530359
Comments: 176
Kudos: 1317
Collections: 1





	The Internet Presents: #DickTozier

## THAT (2020)

R | 2h 27min | Drama, Horror | 27 March 2020 (USA) 15 July 2020 (DVD int.)

**8.2** / 10

99,817 ratings

#### User Reviews

********* [9 stars] **Richie Tozier is the absolute breakout star and I almost feel sorry for the rest of the cast**

by Adam Miller, 29th March 2020

Did I go and see this film because I'm a fan of Richie Tozier? Absolutely not. Dude's kinda annoying, if you ask me, and I don't really get the Internet's obsession. However, that being said, I was totally blown away by him in this. I haven't seen him act in anything before, although his IMDB page tells me that he's done a few spots on SNL and had a recurring role in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia last year, but he was quite simply excellent in this. Every single scene was pitch perfect. He even managed to make that ridiculous sex scene from the book into something actually resonant with emotion (not least because, according to the Trivia page, he's the one who told Denbrough not to make it a weird neighbour orgy in the film.)

The scene where Toulouse (Toulouse/Tozier... c'mon, Denbrough) realizes that he's the one who's been inadvertently summoning the demon through the dark emotional pull of his own repressed trauma actually made me well up in the theater. The rest of the cast gives a great performance - John Cho was bizarrely convincing as a pastry chef, and Hari Nef had some of the best lines in the whole film, and I think is absolutely one to watch - but Tozier steals every single scene he's in. I dare anyone to watch THAT and come away with a different conclusion.

I'm calling it now: we're going to see an Oscar nomination for him in this role. If we don't, there'll be riots in the streets.

* * *

> **Fanny Pack** **_@toziechick_ **
> 
> Guys I just got the THAT DVD and I’m watching the behind the scenes feature and I’m fucking hyperventilating into a paper bag, totally bald because my wig is currently orbiting fucking Venus… PLEASE can we TALK ABOUT THIS
> 
> _[attached video is a clip from the behind the scenes featurette of THAT, a horror film co-written by Richie and Bill Denbrough, based on one of Bill’s books, that Richie stars in._
> 
> _Bill is behind the camera, and Richie is sitting in his trailer, naked from the waist up, apart from his glasses, with a towel across his legs. His legs are bare where they stick out from the towel, making him look like he’s stark naked. He probably is.]_
> 
> **Bill:** Dude. What just happened? 
> 
> **Richie:** _[mock haughtily, clearly trying not to laugh]_ You know exactly what happened, Billiam. I don’t wish to discuss it further.
> 
> **Bill:** Oh, but I do. This is going straight in the Losers group chat. This is going to keep Eddie fed for weeks. 
> 
> **Richie:** He’s gonna cyberbully me so hard when he finds out, man. 
> 
> **Bill:** He already does that anyway, what's the difference?
> 
> **Richie:** I know. _[sighs]_ He’s so great. The biggest cyberbully there is. It's so hot.
> 
> **Bill:** Speaking of things that are the b-biggest…
> 
> **Richie:** _[covers his face and laughs]_ Oh man, you’re really gonna make me say it, huh?
> 
> **Bill:** The world needs to know, Rich. But also, I need m-material to gloat at Eddie over.
> 
> **Richie:** I do love a good gloat at my beloved. _[He purses his lips, obviously on the brink of laughing]_ Well, Billiam. I was about to film my nude scene—my first ever nude scene, and at this rate, definitely my last—and it didn't go so well. 
> 
> **Bill:** Because...?
> 
> **Richie:** Because they couldn’t find a modesty pouch big enough.
> 
> **Bill:** Big enough for…?
> 
> **Richie:** Oh, for—for my monster schlong, OK? _[He starts laughing]_ For the—for the baby’s arm in my pants. For my fifth limb. _[He puts his face in his hands again and shakes his head]_ God, I’m never gonna live this down. I just made such a dick of myself in front of John Cho. ‘Oh, sorry, John, I’d _love_ to film this horribly explicit sex scene with you that I co-wrote with my good buddy Bill, but actually, on reflection, my dick is just _too_ big. Little Richard just isn’t little enough. They gave me a modesty sock, but it turned out that I needed a modesty pant leg. Can we do a raincheck on our incredibly steamy sex scene please, John Cho? Our on-set insurance doesn’t cover choking hazards.’ Oh man, Eddie's gonna absolutely murder me. I'm a dead man.
> 
> **Bill:** _[wheezing with laughter]_ I think they usually say that s-small things are choking hazards, man. So no worries for you on that front. 
> 
> _[Richie sticks his middle finger up, and dissolves into giggles, as does Bill]_
> 
> **Richie:** It's so dumb, man. I’ve been telling people for years...
> 
> _[End of transcript]_
> 
> 101.8k retweets
> 
> **Rachel Tozier** **_@merrygoroundabout_**
> 
> _replying to @toziechick_
> 
> oh… my

> **Annabelle** **_@reddieornot_**
> 
> _replying to @toziechick_
> 
> I’ll be in my bunk for *checks watch* the next decade #littlerichie
> 
> _[attached image is an edited version of the Gayle meme, which reads: ‘okay, was anyone gonna tell me that Richie Tozier has a huge dick, or was I just supposed to find that out by seeing Bill Denbrough bully him about it on a DVD extra?’]_

> **Fanny Pack** **_@toziechick_**
> 
> _replying to @reddieornot_
> 
> Oh HELL no, if we’re doing this thing, we’re getting a good hashtag! Can’t be #littlerichie bc… lmao there’s nothing little about it!! Any suggestions from the #tozehards?????
> 
> **Jude Law’s Mom** **_@polly876_**
> 
> _replying to @toziechick_
> 
> Idk this feels pretty weird ngl, kinda invasive :/ not keen lads

> **Fanny Pack** **_@toziechick_**
> 
> _replying to @polly876_
> 
> Lmao u k hun, I HIGHLY doubt Richie doesn’t know this is on the DVD

> **Jude Law’s Mom** **_@polly876_**
> 
> _replying to @toziechick_
> 
> Fuck me for giving a shit about celebrities’ privacy, right

> **Fanny Pack** **_@toziechick_**
> 
> _replying to @polly876_
> 
> Yeah fuck you lol, wtf is it with antis these days

> **Jude Law’s Mom** **_@polly876_**
> 
> _replying to @toziechick_
> 
> Not an anti but OK, be well

> **Annabelle** **_@reddieornot_**
> 
> _replying to @polly876 @toziechick_
> 
> … OK, now that weird intermission is over, may I humbly suggest #dicktozier

> **Fanny Pack** **_@toziechick_**
> 
> _replying to @reddieornot_
> 
> #DICKTOZIER 
> 
> _[attached image is a gif made from the previous video, with Richie laughing into his hands]_

> **Eddie Spagheddie!!!!** **_@ryanic_**
> 
> #dicktozier
> 
> _[attached image is a_ [_photo of a man holding a giant marrow_](https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/Gardening/08sep/giant%20veg/Getty-11292286_The-Annual-H.jpg?imwidth=450) _]_

> **Theresa Mayn’t** **_@whoamiwhoru_**
> 
> #dicktozier omg this hashtag is SENDING me

> **Jan** **_@janyouary_**
> 
> #dicktozier just cleared my acne 
> 
> **Karlie Floss** **_@notasellebrity_**
> 
> #dicktozier ahahahahahahaha I’m so sorry you know I had to do it to ‘em
> 
> _[attached image is a_ [_photo of a majestic, single trunked tree_](https://c8.alamy.com/comp/PC14C6/single-tall-tree-PC14C6.jpg) _]_

> **Casey P** **_@caseypea_**
> 
> IT’S FUCKING TRENDING #dicktozier

* * *

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> Oh no #dicktozier
> 
> 96.1k retweets

> **William Denbrough ✔** **_@billdenbrough_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> In my defense 
> 
> _[attached image_ _is a gif of a tumbleweed floating down an empty dirt road]_
> 
> 81.9k retweets

> **Beverly Marsh ✔** **_@bevmartian_**
> 
> _replying to @billdenbrough, @richietozier_
> 
> Bill: This is going straight in the group chat!
> 
> Also Bill: This is going straight on the DVD extras!
> 
> 61.4k retweets

> **William Denbrough ✔** **_@billdenbrough_**
> 
> _replying to @bevmartian, @richietozier_
> 
> In my defense 
> 
> _[attached image_ _is the same gif of a tumbleweed floating down an empty dirt road]_
> 
> 67.3k retweets

> **TMZ ✔** **_@TMZ_**
> 
> Internet goes buck wild for #dicktozier!
> 
> _[attached image is a gif of a screen scrolling through the #dicktozier hashtag. There are… many tweets]_

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> ‘Stan Twitter is harmless,’ they said… ‘Stan Twitter doesn’t want to cut off your flesh and wear it like a skinsuit,’ they said…
> 
> **Stanley Uris** **_@surisaccounting_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> Don’t blame me for this, I hate this a hundred times more than you do.

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @surisaccounting_
> 
> Not Stan’s Twitter, Stan Twitter!! The Stans, Stan! The Eminem people!! The people who want to cut off your flesh and wear it like a skinsuit!!!

> **Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔** **_@eddietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> Honestly, they’re dumb if they want to make you into a skinsuit. You’re 18ft tall. There’s enough skin on you to make at least 50 regular sized skinsuits. Why waste the rest?

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @eddietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> Babe I’m having a very hard time on the internet today, can’t believe you’re being so mean to me 

> **Stanley Uris** **_@surisaccounting_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @eddietozier_
> 
> A very, very hard time indeed, if the current trending topic is to be believed.

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @surisaccounting @eddietozier_
> 
> This is exactly how Jesus felt when Judas smooched him sexily on the cheek :(

> **Stanley Uris** **_@surisaccounting_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @eddietozier_
> 
> I’m far too Jewish to understand that reference.

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @surisaccounting @eddietozier_
> 
> GOD I wish I were more Jewish, should have let them chop the end of my dick off after all :(
> 
> **Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔** **_@eddietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> I hate to break up this weirdly public discussion of my husband’s dick, but oh my God, Richie, have you ever opened an email in your entire life? https://twitter.com/TMZ/status/129...

> **TMZ ✔** **_@TMZ_**
> 
> Surprise Best Actor Oscar nom for Richie Tozier! Via @theacademy
> 
> _[attached image is a photo of Richie taken at a recent press event, wearing a dark blue Bev Marsh suit and looking a little awkward on the red carpet]_
> 
> 141.8k retweets

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @eddietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> Oh my god
> 
> 98.4k retweets

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @eddietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> Oh my GOD????!!!!!!
> 
> 87.3k retweets

> **Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔** **_@eddietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> Did you just fall out of your chair? I heard a thud from upstairs…

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @eddietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> No babe everything’s cool everything’s groovy I’ve literally never fallen off anything in my entire life ever, it’s all funky fresh

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @eddietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> BUT having said that do you know where the bandaids are bc the edge of my desk is apparently p sharp when you whack your elbow on it at high velocity after reading that you’re up for an Oscar, who knew

> **Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔** **_@eddietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> I’ll bring up the first aid box. Do you want anything else? Proud of you :-) (for the Oscar thing, not for being an idiot and stabbing yourself on a desk)

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @eddietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> Pls can you bring that v v soft sweater from Ben and put it on and hug me bc I think I need a hug for like… 8 hours to feel normal again, wtf

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @eddietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> OR alternatively pls consider wearing nothing at all and we can celebrate in style

> **Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔** **_@eddietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> If I come up there and you’re naked and bleeding all over the office from your elbow, I’m absolutely going to cut off your flesh and give your skinsuit to Stan Twitter.

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @eddietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> Not to kinkshame babe but that doesn’t sound like a very good celebration

> **Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔** **_@eddietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> I’ll bring balloons.

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @eddietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> Is that a euphemism for the mega condoms for my magnum dong

> **Stanley Uris** **_@surisaccounting_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @eddietozier_
> 
> One of these days, you’ll learn to untag me from your foreplay. Until then, I’ll continue to bill you for my extensive therapy costs.

* * *

### Richie Tozier telling us all he had a huge dick for like 3 minutes (July 18th 2020)

 **Uploaded by** **TozierGirl1988**

**987k views** **_|_** **86k likes, 6.7k dislikes**

**Guys… we absolutely been knew all this time. We knew. He told us. Why didn't we listen? Our suffering is made of our own hubris. Our ignorance is a punishment from God.  
**

_[Video opens on one of Richie’s old stand-up sets, circa 2009. He’s much younger, because that’s how time works, and the audience have just finished laughing at the previous joke. He runs a hand through his hair and swaps the mic from his left to his right hand.]_

**Richie:** And like—so, here’s the thing. I’m really not the kind of guy to be like _[he puts on a frat boy voice]_ ‘I can’t wear a condom, they don’t make them big enough for guys like me. I have to wear a windsock and they don’t stock those at Walgreens.’ Get outta here with that nonsense. It's always loser guys who say that, and they're the exact guys who should be wearing condoms. Or just not having sex, ideally. But the thing is, this time—they really didn’t have them in my size! _[He makes an affronted face, and the audience laughs]_ You guys don’t know the struggle. You really don’t. We’re a—we’re a fucking oppressed minority, guys like us, with implausibly huge dicks. Where’s our charity ad at the Superbowl? You ever tried being in a bedroom with some chick and she looks like Pamela Anderson, but back in the Baywatch days when she still looked kinda human, and you realise that you can’t fuck her because you literally can’t squash your junk into the XXL? There’s no way to say it without sounding like you’re just jerking her around! So obviously I ended up jerking off instead. _[audience laughs]_

_[Video cuts to a clip taken from Bev Marsh’s Instagram page, where she posted an Instagram story of Richie and Eddie getting fitted for their wedding tuxes that she designed. Bev is holding the front-facing camera so that she’s in frame, and behind her is a changing room with the curtains drawn closed._

_There’s the sound of someone falling over from the changing room, and Bev winces, laughing.]_

**Bev:** You good in there, Richie?

 **Richie:** _[from the changing room]_ Fuck—yeah, no, phenomenal, honestly. Nothing’s going wrong. I can absolutely fit my dick into these pants. Totally. No issue.

_[Bev rolls her eyes; she moves the camera to her left slightly and Eddie comes into frame. His arms are folded, and he’s shaking his head, but he’s laughing.]_

**Eddie:** Have you tried rearranging stuff?

 **Richie:** I’m not gonna origami my dick, Spagheds. What’s wrong with you? It’s not a fucking Fruit Roll-Up.

 **Eddie:** I obviously meant the pants, Rich. I clearly meant that you should rearrange your fucking underwear, because knowing you, you've got your boxers bunched up like a fucking diaper. Why would you even think I meant your dick? God, it’s not Bev’s fault that you can’t dress yourself properly, despite being nearly 50.

_[Richie draws the curtains very suddenly; he’s entirely dressed in the suit, except the fly of the pants are very much undone, and his Ninja Turtles boxers are making an appearance. It’s a Look.]_

**Richie:** _[jabbing a finger at Eddie]_ OK, firstly, I’m 43! I’m exactly the same age as you, even though you look 20 years younger, so fuck you very much. How dare you moisturise? And secondly, it’s not _my_ fault that I have a huge dick! It's a curse, Spaghuardo!

 **Eddie:** Your boxers are also pretty bunched up, dude.

 **Richie:** _[looking down at himself]_ Oh, shit. Yeah. You're not wrong there, babe. You are not wrong.

_[He pulls the curtain closed again, and we hear another thud, a hissed swearword.]_

**Richie:** OK, boxers officially unbunched, and we're... _[he grunts]_ on the home stretch here, guys... we're gonna get this shit done. No problems here. Just a—oof—just a regular dude, with a regular-sized dick that definitely fits into these... fucking _pants_.

_[Another loud crash; we can make out his feet from beneath the curtain as he jumps up and down to pull the trousers up]_

**Richie:** I think I've got it! I'm definitely gonna get a fucking yeast infection, but you know what, Bev, that's totally on me for not warning you about my absolutely gigantic hog.

 **Bev:** _[rolling her eyes]_ Yeah, right. 

_[Eddie fixes the camera with a knowing smile, and Richie peers out from behind the curtain and blows him a kiss]_

_[Video cuts to a clip that Richie posted on his Twitter in late 2018. All of the Losers are sat at Richie and Eddie’s kitchen table, and it’s clear that vast quantities of wine have been imbibed by all, if the four or five empty bottles of Cab Sav are anything to go by. Richie is filming and isn’t in frame.]_

**Richie:** Hey, hey, guys.

 **Mike:** Are you filming this?

 **Richie:** I don’t even know what you’re saying, Mike. I can’t hear you over the sound of my own excitement. Tell them what’s going on, Eds. 

**Eddie:** _[sighing, arms folded huffily]_ We’re playing Truth or Dare.

 **Richie:** And, my love? Please continue.

 **Eddie:** And our friends are fucking assholes, obviously. 

**Stan:** I want it known that I had no part in this. 

**Bev:** I want it known that I absolutely did.

 **Ben:** Same. _[He and Bev high five]_

 **Richie:** Go on then, Eds! Tell them! Our adoring audience is on tenterhooks. Why are you being such a grumpy-bum?

 **Eddie:** I’m going to murder you in your sleep, Rich. I’ll fucking do it. I keep a spare pillow at the ready. Always at the ready.

 **Richie:** _[zooming in blurrily on Eddie’s face; Eddie laughs, despite himself]_ Tell them! Tell them what’s happening! 

**Eddie:** Oh, for—it's my go, and I chose Truth, because last time I picked Dare, you tried to make me lick a toilet seat and I had a panic attack. 

**Richie:** In my defence, babe, we were 14, and I was clearly joking. 

**Eddie:** And in my defence, your jokes haven’t improved much since then. 

**Bev:** _[interrupting excitedly]_ So he picked Truth, and then Bill was a genius, and Bill said— 

**Eddie:** He asked me if all that bullshit you used to say when we were kids was true, about you having a monster dong. _[He glares at Richie]_ Because despite your constant fucking shouting about your giant fucking dick, these chucklefucks managed to get away without seeing it for their entire lives. I envy them.

 **Bill:** The public wants to know, Eddie. I’m doing a p-public service. 

**Mike:** I think it's more of a public indecency, Bill.

 **Bev:** So come on, Eddie! Is it true? Does Richie have a giant dick? Are the legends true?

 **Stan:** They’re not legends if he’s the one that says it!

_[Eddie closes his eyes, and inhales deeply through his nose]_

**Eddie:** Is it too late to choose Dare?

 **Richie:** No, babe, but I’m gonna make the Dare real bad. 

**Eddie:** I’ll literally do anything. 

_[There’s a pause as Richie clearly thinks of a dare]_

**Richie:** Babe.

 **Eddie:** Yes, Rich.

 **Richie:** Are you telling me that you choose Dare?

 **Eddie:** Just tell me the fucking dare, fucknuts.

 **Richie:** Are you sure?

 **Eddie:** _[turning to Mike]_ The pillow is the red one on my side of the bed. Bill can knee him in the balls, Bev and Ben can hold him down, and you and me can suffocate—

 ** Richie: ** I get it, Spagheds, I get it. All right. By the power vested in me by the holy ghosts of Truth and Dare, I now dare ye to tell the room how big my dick is. 

_ [The entire room explodes in raucous laughter, except for Eddie, who splutters in pure, unadulterated rage] _

** Eddie:  ** Foul! Fucking—that's cheating, you absolute shithead!  


 ** Richie: ** I'm pretty sure the only rule of Truth and Dare is that you have to do it, Eds. 

** Bev: ** I think you also can't dare someone to do infinite dares. 

** Ben: ** That's wishes, hon. Rich isn't a genie.

** Richie: ** No, but I am a genius. _[He ruffles Eddie's hair]_ Come on, babe. Love of my life. Light of my loins. You picked Dare, after deciding that Truth was just too hot for you. You gotta do one of them. 

** Eddie:  ** _ [pouting] _ They're exactly the same.

** Richie: ** So it doesn't matter which one you do. Pressure's off. No big decision for you.

_ [From the other end of the table, Bev starts beating her fists against the table rhythmically, and Ben joins in, as do Mike and Bill. Stan rolls his eyes, and does the same with one fist] _

** All:  ** Truth! Truth! Truth! Truth!  


** Eddie: ** Fine! Fine. Jesus. 

_ [He picks up the nearest bottle of wine, pours an incredibly full glass, and drinks it all in one go] _

**Eddie:** _[sighing deeply]_ It’s true. 

_[The whole table erupts in cheers; Bev stomps her feet and Bill applauds. Mike high fives Eddie, who looks miserable. Stan looks mildly ill. Richie turns the camera on himself, and waggles his eyebrows]_

_[Video cuts to a short clip of Richie on the Ellen show in 2016, shortly after coming out. He’s sitting in the chair opposite Ellen, one leg resting across the other, and he shifts uncomfortably.]_

**Ellen:** Problem over there?

 **Richie:** Oh, you know. Nothing I can say on a refined show like this. _[He spreads his hands wide to indicate a sizeable member]_ Just having problems with my colossal wang. _[audience laughs]_

 **Eddie:** I bet you say that to all the ladies. 

**Richie:** Only the lesbians. _[Ellen laughs]_

_[Video cuts to a clip of one of Richie’s more recent stand-up sets, circa 2018. He’s standing on stage, wearing a t-shirt which says ‘I went to Maine and all I got was lifelong trauma and a boyfriend.’]_

**Richie:** And you know, I hate Donald Trump. _[Audience cheers uproariously; Richie holds up a hand to indicate benevolent agreement]_ I just hate the dude. He’s like a fucking radioactive satsuma, with half the personality. Guys like him being in positions of power is just—it’s big dick erasure, you guys. _[Audience laughs]_ And I know it’s not fair to speculate on, like, junk size based on personality traits, because, as my very cute and intelligent boyfriend likes to say, it’s based on heteronormative ideas of masculinity, but I don’t mean, like, literally. I just mean that Donald Trump has incredibly small dick energy. It's all about the vibe. Like, the kind of dick energy where you’re looking at him with a microscope and you still can’t see it. Absolutely zero atoms of dick energy around that man. _[He mimes inspecting something with a magnifying glass]_ "Can you see it, Watson? Can you see the dick energy?" _[audience laughs]_ And I can say this shit, by the way, because as a man with a truly mammoth schlong— _[audience laughs]_ I know, I know. Nothing says small dick energy like bragging about how big your dick is. Well, that’s dramatic irony, folks.

_[Video cuts to a clip from Richie’s Instagram livestream. Eddie is sat cross-legged in an armchair, reading the original THAT book by Bill Denbrough. It’s at least 1,500 pages long, and he’s propped it against his knees to bear the weight of it. He’s wearing a very large sweater, clearly Richie’s, with a picture of a howling wolf and a speech bubble that says ‘I Love Colorado-o-o-o-o’ on it, and drinking coffee from a mug which reads ‘World’s Best Boss.’ Richie is behind the camera.]_

**Richie:** Why are you reading that trash garbage, babe?

 **Eddie:** _[looking up at him]_ Hmm? Oh. You’re filming me. What a surprise.

 **Richie:** Just making some beautiful memories, Spagheds. Hey, why are you reading it, though?If you just wanted to familiarise yourself with something huge that I do better than Bill, you didn’t need to read the book.

 **Eddie:** _[closing his eyes in anticipation of a punchline he knows he won’t like]_ And why’s that, Rich?

 **Richie:** You could just ask, babe. I’ll drop trou for you any time. My dick es su dick.

 **Eddie:** _[blinking in confusion]_ Oh. Oh! I get it. Your gigantic dick. Very witty.

_[Richie makes a finger gun with the hand that isn’t holding the phone; we can just see it flick into frame. Eddie shrugs, and resumes reading]_

**Richie:** Ruh-roh, Raggy. You seem weirdly un-upset. I fully expected you to throw that book at me. I was totally prepared for the concussion. Cancelled all my work plans for the next month to recover. What’s up?

 **Eddie:** _[not looking up]_ Like you had any work plans. You never do any work. 

**Richie:** Why aren’t you yelling at me, babe? I just made a crude dick joke at you when you were trying to read. By all of my god-given rights, you should have that cute little frown on your face right about now.

 **Eddie:** _[shrugs]_ Could’ve been worse, that’s all. I was expecting something way more disgusting.

 **Richie:** Uh. Anything in particular? Getting worried here, Eds.

 **Eddie:** Mm. Maybe.

 **Richie:** Oh shit, man. Gimme some feedback. _[Eddie is silent, unblinking]_ Cut me some slack, babe. As a professional, I have to know where I went wrong. My agent might review this tape and fire me on the spot. 

**Eddie:** _[putting his book down and raising an eyebrow at Richie]_ Come on, dude. You set it up yourself. Something huge? Something that you do way better than Bill?

_[Behind the camera, Richie is silent]_

**Eddie:** Oh my God. My mom, dude. You had the perfect set-up for a joke about my dead mom, and I had this fucking horrific image in my head of Bill _—_ fucking, of _Bill and my mom_ , and then you and Bill comparing notes about it afterwards, and then you just said your dick instead. Frankly, I’m relieved, man. It’s a real load off.

_[The camera angle changes as Richie slowly sinks to the floor. Eddie starts laughing]_

**Richie:** … I’m quitting my job. I’m cancelling all of my upcoming tours. I’m becoming a monk.

 **Eddie:** I'm not sure the monks would have you, Rich.

 **Richie:** Definitely not. They'd be ashamed to associate with a man who missed such an obvious 'your mom' joke under the watchful eye of God. Shit, Eds. How did I not see that?

 **Eddie:** Too busy thinking about your own dick, man.

 **Richie:** I really was. Not any more. I can’t believe you made me think about Bill fucking your mom! 

**Eddie:** _[laughing]_ Fuck you, asshole, you made me think it first _—_

_[Video ends]_

15.8k comments

**Rachel P** tag yourself I'm the full glass of wine that Eddie just yeeted down his throat

**Ncuti Kozier** lmfao I'm the two empty glasses of wine next to Bev, queen of my entire existence

 **Henriette Tozier** Why does their friend Stan give me such a VIBE though, like I want him to do my taxes naked

**Kasp Brax** he's got that sexy accountant energy... undo a button, stan

**Yolande Tossier** Why are either of you talking about Stan when we also have 1. Mike 2. Ben 3. Mike

**Rachel P** an excellent point, my friend. an excellent point.

 **June Bug** how did we miss this. how. the signs were there. he's been fucking semaphoring it for years.

**Eddie Kaspbrak's Dead Mom** He's not even been signalling it he's just been SAYING it and we all thought it was a joke... we are scum

**June Bug** i'm handing in my badge, i'm not fit for service any more.

 **Tyler Derry** 2009 Rich: yeah I got a big dick lmfao the laydeez love it. 2020 Rich: I have a huge wang and it's for my husband ONLY

* * *

> **Casey P** **_@caseypea_**
> 
> I’m gonna be honest, I’m legit delighted about Richie’s Oscar nom but I can’t stop thinking about #dicktozier

> **Casey P** **_@caseypea_**
> 
> _replying to @caseypea_
> 
> How could the internet bless us with so much god tier Tozier content in one day #dicktozier

> **Casey P** **_@caseypea_**
> 
> _replying to @caseypea_
> 
> How can I look at him wearing a suit at the Oscars and KNOW what’s underneath it… this is lesbian erasure

> **Jude Law’s Mom** **_@polly876_**
> 
> _replying to @caseypea_
> 
> Lmao lesbian erasure, literally how, he’s a man

> **Casey P** **_@caseypea_**
> 
> _replying to @polly876_
> 
> Literally every single lesbian would marry Richie Tozier and that’s just science

> **Jude Law’s Mom** **_@polly876_**
> 
> _replying to @caseypea_
> 
> I feel like it’s not science…

> **Casey P** **_@caseypea_**
> 
> _replying to @polly876_
> 
> Lmao ok have a good one

> **Stanley Uris** **_@surisaccounting_**
> 
> Hey, @billdenbrough, thanks to you I’m going to have to get my name legally changed. How can I reconcile being named Stan when this is what it means?
> 
> _[attached image is a screenshot of Stan Twitter arguing about whether Richie wearing a suit is lesbian erasure]_

> **William Denbrough ✔** **_@billdenbrough_**
> 
> _replying to @surisaccounting_
> 
> If it makes you feel any better, Richie has started calling me ‘Willy’ and changed my ringtone in his phone to ‘Little Willy’ by The Sweet. I know because he told me to call him and then livestreamed it on Instagram. #littlewillydenbrough was trending worldwide for 2 hours.

> **William Denbrough ✔** **_@billdenbrough_**
> 
> _replying to @billdenbrough @surisaccounting_
> 
> I’ve had my comeuppance, basically.

> **Beverly Marsh ✔** **_@bevmartian_**
> 
> _replying to @billdenbrough @surisaccounting_
> 
> Life is so hard for you two white men.

> **Casey P** **_@caseypea_**
> 
> _replying to @bevmartian_
> 
> ONE OF US ONE OF US

> **Stanley Uris** **_@surisaccounting_**
> 
> _replying to @bevmartian @caseypea_
> 
> My new name is ‘Absolutely Done.’

* * *

/r/IAmA

80.9k upvotes · Posted by u/RicardoTozier 4 days ago

### I am Richie Tozier: shy debutante, adored husband of the Internet, and recent Oscar nominee. Ask me anything!

Hi Reddit! It’s ya boi, Richie Tozier (Eddie told me he’d divorce me if I typed that so apologies in advance if all my answers are just the crying face emoji.) You probably know me for puking on stage a couple years ago and then coming back (and out) with two record breaking shows and an incredibly hot husband with a butt that just won’t quit. You may also know me as the guy who screamed a lot in horror film _THAT_ , which is up for 3 Oscars this year, including Best Actor for me, which is totally embarrassing and GOD I hope none of you ask me about that, ugh, how horrible it would be to have to talk about being nominated for an Oscar, what a total bore. Unless…

ANYWAY, Eddie just put a brioche up his asshole to ‘prove the dough’ or something, so I have an hour or so to kill - AMA!

Proof it’s me: http://www.twitter.com/richietozier/status/928…

_[linked photo is on Richie’s Twitter account, and it shows Richie and Eddie sat at their kitchen table, Richie’s arm thrown around Eddie’s shoulder. Richie is holding an open notebook, on which he’s scrawled ‘AMA!!!!’ in huge block caps halfway down the page. Eddie is pointing to the bottom of the same page, where it says, in neat cursive, ‘I have full control of the Delete key’]_

EDIT: wow guys, it was a funny funny joke… he put it in our closet… do any of you even bake

EDIT 2: time’s up, guys! Eddie took the brioche out of the closet and it’s officially gay. See you all on the other side!

11.1k comments 

yakultsavedmyass 2.3k points · 4 days ago

Hey man! Just wanted to let you know that you’re kind of a huge inspiration to me. I’m an old fuck and I can still remember going to one of your early shows back in like 1999 or whenever it was that you were doing that bit about being offered cocaine at a showbiz party, and I remember thinking you were going to go far even then. Love all the new stuff you’re putting out and good luck with the Oscars! My question for you is: would you ever consider going on that Derry true crime podcast that’s all over the Internet atm? Thanks for answering!

**RicardoTozier** 1.3k points · 4 days ago

Oh wow, thanks man! Welcome to the old fuck club! Srs tho that’s super nice of you to say. I remember the bit you’re talking about actually, and fun fact, it was unfortunately completely true, I was at this big party and someone gave me a bag of coke and I was like… I do not know what to do with this, so I just went into a bathroom stall and dabbed a bit on my nose so it looked like I’d snorted it, and then I just acted like myself and everyone thought I was mega fucking coked up. Good times good times. These days I mostly just eat pasta and watch daytime TV and gaze longingly at my husband from across the room. And to answer your question: no, probably not tbh. There’s lots of super not fun shit to do with Derry that they’d want to talk about, and I probs wouldn’t want to, like, relive that on audio. I’ve heard that it’s a great podcast tho, maybe I’ll give it a listen

yakultsavedmyass 908 points · 4 days ago

That makes sense! Sorry if it was insensitive to ask.

**RicardoTozier** 899 points · 4 days ago

No no man you’re good!

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martymcflypaper 56 points · 4 days ago

Top or bottom?

**RicardoTozier** 1.2k points · 4 days ago

I actually haven’t had a sleepover since I was like 14 and that was with my good lady pal Beverly Hills Marsh, and both of us wanted the top bunk so we ended up just kind of crammed in there like two very very platonic sardines (I was a homosexual, Susan) and then I fell out of bed at like 3 in the morning and Bev told me it was my own fault for being stringier than hot mozzarella and I had to sleep in the bottom bunk with a broken toe so I guess… both?

martymcflypaper 41 points · 4 days ago

… in the bedroom...

**RicardoTozier** 1.1k points · 4 days ago

Well duh, where else would you put a bunkbed lol

martymcflypaper -4 points · 4 days ago

I’m so clearly talking about sex

**RicardoTozier** 1.1k points · 4 days ago

OH! I’m married, so no thanx u

henrysballs 800 points [silver award] · 4 days ago

he’s so clearly uncomfortable talking about it dude stop asking jfc

mirandafarts 637 points · 4 days ago

lmao can you even imagine thinking that’s a chill thing to ask

martymcflypaper -84 points · 4 days ago

It says Ask Me Anything, not Ask Me What I Want To Answer

**RicardoTozier** 541 points · 4 days ago

I’m Richie Tozier, AMWIWTA

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junebug89 971 points · 4 days ago

Hi Mr Tozier sir, big fan big fan, the hugest of fans, the biggest, most throbbing of fans. I have to ask………. are the recent rumors true?...... did you REALLY have a spaghetti buffet at your wedding?

**RicardoTozier** 1.0k points [gold award] · 4 days ago

HAHAHA yes, I truly did go to town on a generous, bountiful helping of spaghetti ;) no but really, yes, we got it from a local restaurant owned by a real bonafide Italian man called Paolo, who has a tattoo on his bicep that just says ‘momm’ spelled exactly like that, and he’s TERRIFYING and I think maybe he’s Eddie’s dad now but not in a kinky way probably. 10/10 recommend having spaghetti at your wedding and watching everyone slurp it up and try not to get it on their $5,000 tux (it’s me) (I was the one slurping) (I was so scared)

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aaronpaulsbubblebutt 1.1k points · 4 days ago

Just finished streaming HMFP with my roommate and i gotta ask, did Bill Denbrough really base the main character in THAT on you? Congrats on the oscar nom btw!

**RicardoTozier** 1.3k points · 4 days ago

Well, it’s a deeply autobiographical film for both of us

narwhal67 910 points · 4 days ago

THERE ARE DEMONS, RICHARD

**RicardoTozier** 1.4k points · 4 days ago

* takes a long drag of a cigarette * we all have demons, narwhal67

86redballoons 716 points · 4 days ago

And your demon is… a clown who lives in the walls, apparently????

**RicardoTozier** 901 points · 4 days ago

* takes a long drag of a cigarette * life makes clowns of us all, 86redballoons

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grahamnortonsbeard 1.0k points · 4 days ago

congrats on the oscar nomination, good sir. how does it feel to get a nod for your first acting role?

**RicardoTozier** 1.8k points · 4 days ago

Thanx u for the hearty congrats my dude, but how dare you call THAT my first acting role? Do you not remember my star turn on It’s Always Sunny as ‘Mac’s Disgusting Boyfriend’ back in 2019 and my subsequent return to form as ‘Mac’s Suddenly Hot Ex Boyfriend’ earlier this year? Fake fan!!!! But no, seriously, thank you! It’s crazy stuff, honestly. 

ilikefishandchips 1.2k points [gold award] · 4 days ago

honestly your performance as ‘straight white boy’ from 1976-2018 was your first and best role and you should say it

**RicardoTozier** 1.5k points [platinum award] · 4 days ago

HAHAHAHA that’s exactly what Eddie said and then I said ‘you too, babe, let’s share the nomination’ and then he called me a fuckface and made me an omelette

[deleted comment] -709 points · 4 days ago

ilikefishandchips 108 points · 4 days ago

not cool bro

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mrbiscuits 1.3k points · 4 days ago

Is no-one else gonna ask about the big dick thing or do I have to do all the heavy lifting around here

**RicardoTozier** 1.5k points · 4 days ago

WHAT ARE YOU LIFTING?????

mrbiscuits 1.0k points · 4 days ago

Well, is anyone else gonna ask?!

**RicardoTozier** 918 points · 4 days ago

Are you asking me if anyone’s gonna ask me about my dick? Can’t answer that for you, man

mrbiscuits 541 points · 4 days ago

Mr Richard Tozier, sir, do you have a massive hog?

**RicardoTozier** 615 points · 4 days ago

I don’t live on a farm, Mr Biscuits

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riskybusiness76 2.5k points [platinum award x2, gold award x3, silver award x4] · 4 days ago

Can you please shift over on the seat? You have literally no ass and you’re taking up the entire chair. Our table has six chairs. Why are you sitting on mine? 

**RicardoTozier** 1.5k points · 4 days ago

BABE!!! So betrayed… you told me you were texting Stan, but actually you were just cyberbullying me on an entirely new medium!!

riskybusiness76 1.0k points · 4 days ago

Answer the question, Tozier. 

**RicardoTozier** 1.1k points · 4 days ago

OK FIRSTLY, Tozier, everyone needs to know that you’re literally giggling like a schoolgirl rn and it’s cute cute cute!! And secondly I’m sitting on your chair because you won’t let me sit on your lap…

**RicardoTozier** 1.4k points · 4 days ago 

I stand corrected!!!! 

riskybusiness76 1.3k points · 4 days ago

God, you’re so bony.

**RicardoTozier** 1.8k points [gold award] · 4 days ago 

Only for you, babe ;)

jen764 108 points · 4 days ago

But how big is the bone? The Internet needs to know! 

riskybusiness76 242 points · 4 days ago

It definitely doesn’t.

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lexadeservedbetter 910 points · 4 days ago

What was it like working on set with one of your best friends? 

**RicardoTozier** 1.0k points · 4 days ago

Good question!! Presumably you mean John Cho? Hahaha no it was cool working with Bill, sometimes we snuck into my trailer between takes and played Scrabble ;) it was very homoerotic, especially when I played QUIXOTIC on a triple and he nearly flipped the table 

themediumlebowski 817 points · 4 days ago

IMPORTANT FOLLOW UP QUESTION, whats your highest ever scrabble score

**RicardoTozier** 997 points · 4 days ago

For one word? Uhhhh one time I played QUARTZY on a triple and used up all my letters and got like 150 points so that was pretty cool… for a game I think maybe like 600? GOD this is an exhilarating thread, can’t wait for people to see the truth behind my party boy façade 

Niceguy517 215 points · 4 days ago

lmao actual follow up question: what did you think about bill leaking that video?

**RicardoTozier** 410 points · 4 days ago

THAT video? Nah man THAT’s on DVD, it’s not 1996 any more

yetisarereal 211 points · 4 days ago

Man, I’m sorry some people keep asking about this shit.

**RicardoTozier** 788 points [silver award] · 4 days ago

Yeah it’s a real DICK move

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riskybusiness76 1.1k points · 4 days ago

Did you seriously just open a new browser tab, type ‘facade’ into Google Translate, and copy and paste the fucking squiggly c?

**RicardoTozier** 1.1k points · 4 days ago

It’s called a cedilla babe, be impressed, I’m so smart

riskybusiness76 1.2k points · 4 days ago

I literally JUST saw you Google ‘what do you call the squiggly c’.

ricecake62 716 points · 4 days ago

Mom and dad are fighting and I don’t like it

horsegirlz 630 points · 4 days ago

isnt this like cybersex for u guys

letemeatcake 542 points · 4 days ago

aren’t you two literally sat next to each other lmao I love it

**RicardoTozier** 809 points · 4 days ago

I’m sitting on his lap actually

riskybusiness76 910 points · 4 days ago

Yeah, and it feels almost exactly like getting stabbed. 

9090brooklyn 477 points · 4 days ago

it’s… so weird that you know how that feels 

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heytheredemons 477 points · 4 days ago

Is your hot buddy Mike still single y/n

**RicardoTozier** 596 points · 4 days ago

y and I literally do not know y because have you SEEN him 

heytheredemons 312 points · 4 days ago

I would love to see him up close and personal hmu Michael

**RicardoTozier** 400 points · 4 days ago

FUN FACT his legal name is Micycle. I’ll tell him you called

gretal65 143 points · 4 days ago

god same, fuck me up micycle

diesoft 91 points · 4 days ago

Dreaming of being the lunchmeat in a Mike / Ben sandwich

**RicardoTozier** 410 points · 4 days ago

GOD me too

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gerardwayslefteyebrow 1.1k points [gold award] · 4 days ago

Hey Richie! Long-time fan here. It’s great to see you here and actually answering questions (side eyes Woody Harrelson.) Question for ya: what’s your favourite thing about Eddie? For me it’s probably the way he’s so angry with you all the time but in, like, a horny way.

EDIT: holy moly, Richie Tozier just gave me Gold lol

**RicardoTozier** 1.4k points · 4 days ago

Hey dude! Hmm… EXCELLENT question… I would have to say that my favorite thing about Eddie is his pert ‘n’ juicy personality ;) 

ohgodnopls 764 points · 4 days ago

LMFAO did you have to wait for him to go to the bathroom before typing that

**RicardoTozier** 980 points · 4 days ago

You fucking bet I did

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yaboigreg 120 points · 4 days ago

#dicktozier

thefkingdude 113 points · 4 days ago

#dicktozier

Ellendegenerate 98 points · 4 days ago

#dicktozier

3pac 96 points · 4 days ago

#dicktozier

**RicardoTozier** 132 points · 4 days ago

Absolutely none of these are questions

19cats 78 points · 4 days ago

#dicktozier

Baboonbum 74 points · 4 days ago

#dicktozier

**RicardoTozier** 198 points · 4 days ago

So weird to be cyberbullied by someone I’m not married to. Much harder to jerk off to

riskybusiness76 201 points · 4 days ago

#dicktozier

**RicardoTozier** 224 points · 4 days ago

Ah yeah, that’ll do it babe 

riskybusiness76 287 points · 4 days ago

#sicktozier

**RicardoTozier** 288 points · 4 days ago

;) ;) ;)

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* * *

> **Ben Hanscom ✔** **_@benhandsome_**
> 
> Hey @richietozier, we’re having real trouble putting together our new bookcase. Think one of the brackets is warped. Don’t suppose you have a long, rigid tool that could help us out? #dicktozier

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @benhandsome_
> 
> Oh yeah, sure Ben! Always happy to help a friend out. How about this one, will it do? #dicktozier
> 
> _[attached image is a close up of Eddie’s middle finger]_

> **Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔** **_@eddietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @benhandsome_
> 
> Can I suggest this one instead? Overcompensating much, Ben? #dicktozier
> 
> _[attached image is a photo of Ben’s incredibly bulging bicep, shirtless and flexed. It looks oddly as though it might also be oiled]_

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @eddietozier @benhandsome_
> 
> Do you think Bev can even see Ben’s dick under all the muscle, or do you think she has to use like a special dick spyglass to find it… I bet he looks like one of those Greek statues where the dick got cut off by scandalized archaeologists… much to think about #dicktozier
> 
> **Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔** **_@eddietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @benhandsome_
> 
> Actual image of Ben as he typed that fucking hilarious and original tweet. #dicktozier
> 
> _[attached image is a photo of a Greek statue of a muscular young man. The penis has been lost to the ravages of time. Eddie has Photoshopped Ben’s face onto the statue]_
> 
> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @eddietozier @benhandsome_
> 
> Can’t believe they cancelled the fifth Indiana Jones film… was so looking forward to watching Harrison Ford scramble around the jungle in search of Ben’s dick :( #bringbacklittleben #dicktozier

> **Ben Hanscom ✔** **_@benhandsome_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @eddietozier_
> 
> Little help here, @bevmartian?

> **Beverly Marsh ✔** **_@bevmartian_**
> 
> _replying to @benhandsome_
> 
> Baby, I love you, but you had to know you weren’t going to win this. #dicktozier

* * *

## Chill Magazine | _Comedy_

#### July 21st 2020

### ‘More than just a pretty dick,’ says Richie Tozier

####  _—Arlene Beauchamp_

Richie Tozier has been making waves lately. Fresh from his record-breaking stand up tour, _Hold My Fanny Pack_ , Tozier has made the career leap from fan favorite comedian to Oscar nominated actor in the space of only a few months. We grabbed a minute with everyone’s favorite funnyman and possible Best Actor award winner to talk about the highs and lows of the season so far.

 **So, you were nominated for an Oscar.** Yeah, man! I totally was. And like, other actors had to nominate me in that category. People who actually know what they’re doing. Really feel like I should be sleuthing down the judging panel and sending them a fruit basket or something. Just throwing a banana at Ben Affleck’s front porch.

 **Has it sunk in yet?** Not even slightly. Eddie’s—my husband, Eddie—he’s started doing this thing recently to try and make it, like, stick. It’s adorable. 

**What’s he doing? Is it PG?** Ha! I wouldn’t bring it up if it wasn’t. He’d never let me touch his butt again, and then I would perish. Just waste away. So he’s doing this thing where he constantly refers to me as his Oscar nominated husband, so that I get used to hearing it, and it’s literally the cutest thing. Like, the other week, my buddy Mike invited us over for a pot roast, and Eddie was on the phone with him, and he was like, “let me just ask my Oscar nominated husband if we’re free.” I definitely didn’t cry into his armpit. And then I told him that it sounded like I’d been nominated for the Best Husband Oscar, the way he was saying it, and he was like, “well, clearly that’s my category,” and I couldn’t even argue, because he’s right.

 **You’ve been pretty excited online about the film you were nominated for.** THAT! Yeah, it’s a horror film that you’ve all seen now, because it’s old news. It’s based on a book by my buddy Bill. I scream a lot in it. There’s a scene where I accidentally summon an evil clown demon ghost when I’m butt naked. I think it’s a pretty rad film, honestly. John Cho has to pretend to be attracted to me in it, so frankly, I feel like he deserves the Oscar nom more than me, but I’ll take it.

 **As well as playing the lead role, you also have a co-writer credit.** Yeah. I did a bit of a pass—erm, more of a rewrite, honestly—on the original script, with Bill’s blessing. I gayed it up big time. The book is about a realtor who moves into a haunted house, along with his stay-at-home wife and their son. The film is still about a realtor, because they frankly need that on-screen rep, but he lives with his pastry chef husband and their trans daughter. I also took out the famous orgy scene, which has had the hilarious effect of garnering me both rapturous applause from people with taste and also festering hatemail from some of the real hardcore Denbros.

 **Can you tell us about why you chose to deviate from the book as much as you did?** Yeah, I just refuse to play straight. I have absolutely no interest in it. It’s like, there are so many straight people on TV and in film. So many. You turn on the TV at any given moment, and I absolutely guarantee you that the lead character in the dumb courtroom drama your mom was watching is gonna be straight, and so is the action hero in the movie you see on the weekend, and so is the hero in the Marvel film you definitely don’t illegally stream on weeknights because there’s no way on God’s green Earth that you’re going to pay for Disney+.

And I’m not saying this because I think it makes me, I don’t know, some gay icon or whatever. Screw that. I’m not. I spent ten years of my career making exactly the kind of jokes that contribute to the fact that we only get a queer character on screen as comic relief. I don’t get to just exonerate myself for that, and I’m not paying my dues now by fighting against it. I’m just not interested in contributing to that any more. If I can get even one or two more queer characters on screen, then I’ll call it a win. Although for the record, we need way, way more than one or two. Frankly, I won’t stop until the majority of characters on screen are queer, and not just on shows where the whole focus is the queer experience, like Queer Eye or The L Word or films about gay people falling in love and then dying tragically. I want to watch a dumb screwball comedy about, I don’t know, two stoners trying to buy weed and getting tracked by the FBI, except they’re both genderqueer and the FBI agents put the ‘bi’ into ‘FBI’. A horror film where the disgustingly haunted house is owned by a lesbian couple, instead of a 45 year old brunette man and his 24 year old blonde wife and their suspiciously generic looking 16 year old teenage son, whose girlfriend looks exactly like his mother. I’m talking a whole show about, like, veterinarians living in Winnipeg, and the protagonist is a lesbian, her two best friends are bi and pan, and every single one of them is trans. That’s a show I’d watch. 

Also, full disclosure, John Cho is super hot and I thought it would be cool to smooch him. That’s gay rights. 

**Do you have any plans to write anything else in that vein?** Totally! I’m working on some similar stuff at the moment, but Hollywood is a machine that runs on secrecy, NDAs and broken kneecaps, so that’s all I can really say. I’m excited, though. It would be proper break the Internet stuff, if I could persuade Eds to get involved. God, can you imagine—this isn’t happening, by the way, this is just me being an idiot—but I think a reality show with me and Eds is exactly what all the baby gays need. The adventures of a middle-aged gay man and his bisexual husband, and they’re both just incredibly tired all the time and only one of them eats kale, and it’s not me. I’d watch it.

 **You’ve set the internet alight in other ways recently, too.** Ah yes, the hashtag. My parents are so proud of me. I’m gonna sign all my Christmas cards with it.

 **It certainly seems like something that Richie Tozier would love.** 2008 Richie Tozier probably would’ve, yeah. 2020 Richie Tozier is so much more than just a pretty dick.

 **So you’re not such a fan of #dicktozier after all?** Man, I don’t even know. The good tweets are hilarious. I should definitely be mad about the people making merch of it, but I actually bought one of the tank tops. It’s lime green and it has a meme of my crying face on it as well as the hashtag, and I tried to wear it to bed once and Spagheds actually went to sleep on the couch, and kicked me onto the floor when I tried to join him. I don’t blame him for that at all. Maybe I’ll have to get one that says #bestactortozier instead.

 **Is that a hint?** Definitely not. It would be terrible if #bestactortozier started trending instead. Truly life-ruining stuff. 

**Thanks for chatting with us today!** Thanks in advance for editing out all the times I said 'like' and 'um'.

(176 comments)

_These comments have not been premoderated._

**Anya** Dude sounds kind of… done at the end there.

 **Ryan** Like, yeah, he’s had people literally Photoshop pics of him to circle the bulge in his trousers and post it all over Twitter. Dude’s allowed to sound done. 

**Mariam** gross. people actually do that? and like tag him in it?

**Elinor** yeah, the hashtag thing was kinda funny for like a week and now it’s like… ma’am this is a whole adult man’s life you’re all ruining, can you cease and desist

**Siân** lmao “ruining”

**Elinor** why the fuck does the a in your name have a hat on it

**Siân** keeps it warm :)

**Elinor** that’s too cute for me to continue our argument, so let’s agree to disagree on the richie thing and i’ll go ask my grandma to knit me a hat for my shivering i and o

 **Yohannes** 50% of me thinks he’s totally on board with #dicktozier and 40% of me thinks he’s like, straddling the boat and the shore with one of his weird toothpick legs about it.

**Niamh** and the other 10%?

**Yohannes** Oops, I’m too gay to do math, but the other 10% is probably just thinking about Eddie.

**Niamh** sounds legit tbf

 **Alex** #bestactortozier ftw, if he wins do u think he’ll cry on stage y/y

**Polly** LMAO absolutely, the stage is just going to be a slip ‘n’ slide of his tears 

**Yasmina** has he come out and said online that he doesn’t like #dicktozier though? bc i feel like people just think it’s funny and def wouldn’t keep doing it if they knew he didn’t like it

**Oksana** Literally who WOULD like it, though?

**Yasmine** honestly if anyone would like having their dick talked about online for months on end, it would be rich tozier and we all know it

**Oksana** You’re not wrong.

**Henry** tbh, unpopular opinion i know, but if you’re a celeb then surely you kind of sign up for this sort of thing, like i get that it’s rude but it’s also part of being in the public eye

**Amin** “if you’re famous then you’re asking for people to make comments on your junk” is not the hot take you think it is, Henry

**Katy** I think he’s taking it pretty well, actually? He bought merch of it ffs, he can’t be THAT mad about it…

**Ffion** or hes playing along because he knows its what the fanbase wants and he likes having a career

**Chisomo** Some of you are going to pull a muscle with all that reaching, I s2g 

* * *

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> OH MAN… you guys… so I did an interview with Chill magazine and some of the quotes in that article about the whole recent ‘hashtag gate’, as my ludicrously cute husband insists on calling it, blew up on Twitter and people have Feelings about it, apparently. So, thread: 1/?

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> Firstly - I think the #dicktozier thing is funny!! I have a shirt with it on!! It’s the worst item of clothing I own, and I have a pair of sweatpants with Ann Coulter’s face on the ass, so that’s really saying something!! 2/?

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> I explicitly gave my permission for the whole meme thing right at the beginning but ty to everyone who’s pointed out the potential creep factor - definitely agree you should probably not talk about famous people’s dicks in general but you have carte blanche to talk about mine 3/?

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> Shoutout to the person who made the one where I’m apparently smuggling marrows in my pants, because marrows are fucking gross and that tweet going viral finally stopped Eds trying to get me to eat them for my ‘‘‘‘health’’’’ 4/?

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> I have literally built a career off of talking about my dick. I very seriously could not give two half baked fucks about what anyone has to say about it. Make tweets about it, do memes, whatevs. It’s literally fine. A+ comedy content. HOWEVER: 5/?

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> Can we also just talk about the fact that I got nominated for a fucking Oscar lol 6/?
> 
> 34.5k retweets
> 
> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> If I promise to thank everyone behind #dicktozier in my Oscar’s speech alongside my precious little bowl of Spagheds, can you repay the favor and start making hilarious memes about my immense talent as well as my immense… you know ;) 7/7

> **Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔** **_@eddietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> Is this you? #bestactortozier
> 
> _[attached image is a_ [_photo of the world’s longest Swiss roll_](https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/04/17/article-2310536-1956B01C000005DC-508_306x423.jpg) _]_

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @eddietozier_
> 
> Babe, what did I JUST say (also I can’t believe you’re sharing that deeply erotic photo of me, I sent that to you in confidence!!)

> **Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔** **_@eddietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> OK, fine. Is this you? #bestactortozier
> 
> _[attached image is a photo of Richie at a red carpet event. Eddie has Photoshopped a comically large Oscar statuette onto his groin.]_

> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @eddietozier_
> 
> GOD I hope so, my dear little bowl of cannelloni :) 
> 
> **Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔** **_@eddietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> It will be. You absolutely deserve it. And don't call me that.
> 
> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @eddietozier_
> 
> Message received, my delicious plate of linguini :)
> 
> **Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔** **_@eddietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> That's not better.
> 
> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @eddietozier_
> 
> If I win, can I give you a shoutout in my speech as my tempting little tagliatelle?
> 
> **Eddie ‘The Functional’ Tozier ✔** **_@eddietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> If you do, I'll put your Oscar on a shelf in our bathroom so that all of our guests have to look at it while they take a shit.
> 
> **Richie ‘The Second Best’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @eddietozier_
> 
> Oh, babe. You can't reach that shelf :)

* * *

/r/PublicFreakout

99.6k upvotes · Posted by u/stuckinabearcrap 1 day ago

### Short dude absolutely decimates a corporate Karen

_[The linked video opens in media res on a middle-aged man in a suit, bluetooth headpiece in one ear, standing at the counter of a Starbucks, a large queue forming behind him. There’s two large takeaway cups on the counter in front of him. The rather hassled looking barista is in the middle of saying something.]_

**Barista:** —the inconvenience, sir. I’ll remake it for you right away.

 **Bluetooth shithead:** Oh, will you? You’ll remake it? How can you _re_ make it when you haven’t even made it yet? _[He gestures at the two takeaway cups on the counter]_ All you’ve done is make a fucking mess. They seriously pay you for this? I see why you only get minimum wage. You know how much I make in a year? _[The barista doesn't answer]_ Hey, buddy. I’m asking you a question. You know how much I make?

 **Barista:** N-no, sir.

 **Bluetooth shithead:** Way too fucking much to put up with this bullshit, put it that way.

_[Some of the people in the queue start mumbling; the word ‘asshole’ is very clearly audible]_

**Barista:** Sir, I can only apologise—

 **Bluetooth shithead:** Oh, that’s all you can do? Apologise? I think not. You can make me the correct drink, and you can give it to me for free, show me that you actually value my goddamn custom.

_[From the corner of the screen, the queue behind Bluetooth shithead starts to part as a short man muscles his way through to the front. In a stunning twist of fate, it’s Eddie.]_

**Eddie:** Sorry, sorry, excuse me, sorry, coming through…

_[He stands next to Bluetooth shithead, who gives him a shit-eating grin.]_

**Eddie:** Look, fucko. Leave the poor person alone.

 **Bluetooth shithead:** And who the hell are you? Fuck off, pipsqueak. 

**Eddie:** Cute. Never heard that one before. Want to call me shortstack as well? I’ll give you that one for free, you fucking over-caffeinated meathead. 

**Bluetooth shithead:** Do you know who I am? Who even the fuck are you? Get lost, pal. This is between me and the minimum wage moron who can’t even get one drinks order right. Fuck off back to Obscureville, buddy.

 **Eddie:** _[throwing up his arms in disbelief]_ Who the fuck am I? I’m just one of the poor chucklefucks stuck in the queue behind you, listening to you try and make mincemeat of someone who literally got you the exact thing you ordered, you entitled piece of shit. I’ve been queueing for goddamn eons, you sentient ballsack. Civilisations have risen and fallen since I started queueing and you pulled this shit. My husband will be wondering where the hell I am. He's gonna think I died. Again.

 **Bluetooth shithead:** How dare—

 **Eddie:** Shut up. Shut the fuck up. It’s my turn to scream obscenities in public. You’ve had your turn, now take your fucking coffee and get lost.

 **Bluetooth shithead:** I’ll take my coffee—for _free_ —when this idiot makes it right!

 **Eddie:** _[narrowing his eyes]_ Does that bluetooth earpiece feed directly into your fucking brain? Has it scrambled your goddamn temples? You literally asked for a venti espresso frappuccino with soy milk, whip, two extra shots of espresso and a pump of caramel sauce, and that’s exactly what you got. Sounds disgusting, but that was your exact order of diabetes, pal. Why are you giving this kid a hard time because they made you what you asked for?

 **Bluetooth shithead:** _[pauses; for the first time, he looks uncertain]_ I asked for—

 **Eddie:** Sorry, did you not hear me? You need me to rip that goddamn bluetooth out of your ear so you can? I’ll say it again: you ordered a venti espresso frappuccino with soy milk, whip, two extra shots of espresso and a pump of caramel sauce. Verbatim. I remembered it word for fucking word, because it sounded like the worst fucking thing I’d heard in my entire life, and I hear twenty fucked up things a day before breakfast on a good day. Soy _and_ whip? Is only the left side of your body allergic to dairy? Oh my God. My husband has the worst sugar habit of anyone I’ve ever met, he practically bleeds sugar, and even he would refuse to drink that on fucking principle. Jesus Christ, just do cocaine. _[He points to the barista, who is trying desperately not to laugh and looks like they’re about 30 seconds away from proposing marriage]_ This person is a saint. You couldn’t pay them enough to deal with your shit. You think you’re on a lot of money, dude? You think you’re a damn hotshot because your pay check has a couple more zeros on it?

 **Bluetooth shithead:** Buddy, you don’t know—

 **Eddie:** _[completely ignoring him]_ Yeah, you do. You think you’re God’s gift to everyone because you jerked off the right people in Finance and now you have a Tesla. Good for you, pal. Mazel fucking tov. We’re all very proud. But hey, fuckwad, if you make so much goddamn bank, why can’t you stump up $8 for your rancid cup of diabetes, huh? Why do you have to come in here and pull your little scam—yeah, you think I don’t know exactly what you’re doing? You think we don’t all know your fucking gameplan?

 **Bluetooth shithead:** _[backing away, hands raised]_ I don’t have a—

 **Eddie:** _[leaning in closer]_ Yeah, you really do. You come in here with the most ridiculous, disgusting order, and you make sure it’s something that even the best barista in the world— _[he turns to the barista]_ you really are, for putting up with this shit every day—you make sure that it’s something that even the best barista on Earth could feasibly forget, so that you can accuse them of getting it wrong multiple times, and then you throw a fucking piss fit and get it for free. Because stumping up $8 for coffee is above you, for some reason. You fucking Karen. You goddamn fucking Karen. You just like taking out your repressed shit on people you falsely think are beneath you, because your life is that goddamn empty. Well, I’m sorry that your left hand has finally seen you for the absolute dipshit that you are and now even your own hand won’t fuck you, and you’re reduced to rubbing up against your lifesize cardboard cutout of Richard Nixon, but that’s not our goddamn problem. _[He picks up both the rejected coffees from the counter, and hands them to Bluetooth shithead]_ Take your diabetes to go, and fuck off.

_[Bluetooth shithead stands stock still for a second, staring at Eddie like he’s gazing into the open maw of Hades, and then does an about turn on his heel and flees._

_Eddie stands still until he's left, then inhales and exhales deeply.]_

**Eddie:** _[turning to the barista]_ May I please get a small Americano?

_[A brief pause; then everyone erupts into applause. It truly is the epitome of the ‘and then everybody clapped’ meme, only it’s actually happening. Eddie looks around him, startled, as though he’s only just remembered that he has an audience, and then he rubs a hand through his hair, suddenly awkward.]_

**Eddie:** Uh, I should probably get that to go.

_[Transcript ends]_

12.8k comments

grahamnortonsbeard 1.0k points · 1 day ago

DOES OP SERIOUSLY NOT KNOW WHO THIS IS AHAHAHAHA THIS IS EDDIE KASPBRAK

Edit: Eddie Tozier, sorry, sorry

**stuckinabearcrap** 412 points · 1 day ago

Lol who?

grahamnortonsbeard 761 points · 1 day ago

Richie Tozier’s husband lol, he’s pretty famous on Twitter 

**stuckinabearcrap** 398 points · 1 day ago

I can see why, he’s hilarious

miriamgargoyles 213 points · 1 day ago

i thought everyone knew who he was tbh wasn’t he on graham norton?

**stuckinabearcrap** 101 points · 1 day ago

More of a Conan guy myself. 

yakultsavedmyass 95 points · 1 day ago

He’s been on that, too!

coolurbeanz 74 points · 1 day ago

Did OP capture a rare bonafide celebrity freakout and not even realise?!

**stuckinabearcrap** 87 points · 1 day ago

Mea culpa.

[341 more replies]

yakultsavedmyass 315 points · 1 day ago

Paging /u/RicardoTozier!

eczemamemario 213 points · 1 day ago

pretty sure he only uses that account to do ama stuff, unfortunately :(

RicardoTozier 981 points · 1 day ago

Pretty sure I also forgot to turn off Reddit notifications, thank FUCK

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imbehindurmum 915 points [gold award] · 1 day ago

OK but now I’m wondering why his husband is the famous comedian when this guy is the one who comes up with absolute gold like ‘is only the left side of your body allergic to dairy’.

EDIT: LMFAO DID I JUST GET GOLD FROM THE ACTUAL RICHIE TOZIER

RicardoTozier 1.9k points · 1 day ago

Same lol

iasipno11fan 817 points · 1 day ago

Dude im like your biggest fan but this… now this is peak comedy

RicardoTozier 1.1k points · 1 day ago

Don’t worry, man, I’m not gonna be a goddamn fucking Karen about it

[451 more replies]

downtheubend 523 points · 1 day ago

the hell, r u the real richie tosier?

RicardoTozier 887 points · 1 day ago

Would a fake Richie Tosier be jacking off to this video right now?

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ricecake62 893 points · 1 day ago

Kinda want Eddie to be my dad now, kinda want him to be my daddy, very confused, very excited

jeansimmonds -97 points · 1 day ago

why does a dude yelling turn you on, where the fuck is your self respect

ricecake62 751 points · 1 day ago

Hot guys angrily raging against the neocapitalist status quo absolutely turns me on. Not sorry about it.

RicardoTozier 1.0k points · 1 day ago

Hard same (literally)

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beverlymarshisbae 856 points [gold award] · 1 day ago

But did Eddie ever get his small Americano

* * *

> **Who is Stan Uris** **_@bringmeacracker_**
> 
> So those of you who have seen the Starbucks video… how far through watching did you make it before you started Googling polygamy laws in LA? I’m literally a giant lesbian and I want to marry both Eddie and the barista (they’re cute!!) #bestactortozier

> **Harriett #DICKTOZIER** **_@harrynotinstyles_**
> 
> _replying to @bringmeacracker_
> 
> I’M FUCKING SCREAMING

> **dicktozier is my father** **_@klausmcgubbins_**
> 
> ok ok wow oh wow oh my god eddie is the ultimate anti-karen defense force 
> 
> **Jane Tozier-Saunders** **_@janeheiress_**
> 
> _replying to @klausmcgubbins_
> 
> literally how did i live before i saw eddie tozier laying into a corporate fuckbro in a starbucks, this is a whole new chapter for me #bestactortozier #bestactoreddie????

> **Harriett #DICKTOZIER** **_@harrynotinstyles_**
> 
> _replying to @janeheiress @klausmcgubbins_
> 
> THE ABSOLUTE BIG DICK ENERGY OF IT ALL!!!!!

> **Fanny Pack** **_@toziechick_**
> 
> _replying to @harrynotinstyles @janeheiress @klausmcgubbins_
> 
> ‘BDE’ no longer stands for ‘big dick energy’, but ‘big dick Eddie’

> **Annabelle** **_@reddieornot_**
> 
> _replying to @toziechick @harrynotinstyles @janeheiress @klausmcgubbins_
> 
> May I very quietly and gently suggest #bdeddie

> **Fanny Pack** **_@toziechick_**
> 
> _replying to @reddieornot @harrynotinstyles @janeheiress @klausmcgubbins_
> 
> #BDEDDIE I’M FUCKING CACKLING

> **Harriett #DICKTOZIER** **_@harrynotinstyles_**
> 
> _replying to @toziechick @reddieornot @janeheiress @klausmcgubbins  
> _
> 
> #bdeddie actual footage of Eddie sticking it to the capitalist kyriarchy
> 
> _[attached image is a[photo of a man holding a giant carrot](https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/FnsAAOSwj99aH8lW/s-l400.jpg)] _

> **Casey P** **_@caseypea_**
> 
> _replying to @harrynotinstyles @toziechick @reddieornot @janeheiress @klausmcgubbins_
> 
> I feel #bdeddie in my bones

> **dicktozier is my father** **_@klausmcgubbins_**
> 
> _replying to @caseypea @harrynotinstyles @toziechick @reddieornot @janeheiress_ **_  
> _**
> 
> #bdeddie is the best thing to happen to me since Richie got nominated for an Oscar #bestactortozier

> **Jane Tozier-Saunders** **_@janeheiress_**
> 
> _replying to @klausmcgubbins @caseypea @harrynotinstyles @toziechick @reddieornot  
> _
> 
> GUYS IT'S TRENDING IT'S TRENDING #bdeddie #bestactortozier

* * *

> **Stanley Uris** **_@surisaccounting_**
> 
> True love takes many different forms. For my wife and I, it’s always asking the other how our day was. For others, it’s going viral for yelling in a Starbucks so that the Internet finally stops talking about your husband’s dick. Is either way more valid? I would say… yes.

> **Richie ‘not a Karen, but a’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @surisaccounting_
> 
> It’s the second one isn’t it, Stangela Lansbury? That’s the more valid one #bdeddie
> 
> **Mike H** **_@mikemikemikeymike_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> I would say so. Nothing says ‘true romance’ quite like someone storming into a Starbucks and screaming about rubbing one off to Richard Nixon. #bdeddie

> **Beverly Goddamn Karen Marsh ✔** **_@bevmartian_**
> 
> _replying to @mikemikemikeymike @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> I’m just going to mention @BenHandsome here to give him some ideas for our anniversary! #bdeddie

> **Ben Hanscom ✔** **_@benhandsome_**
> 
> _replying to @bevmartian @mikemikemikeymike @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> I’ve got it planned, don’t worry. Bill and I are going to crash the nearest IKEA and yell about Reagan. #bdeddie

> **Eddie ‘Unfortunately Still A’ Tozier ✔** **_@etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @benhandsome @bevmartian @mikemikemikeymike @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> I hate you all.

> **Richie ‘not a Karen, but a’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @etozier @benhandsome @bevmartian @mikemikemikeymike @surisaccounting_
> 
> Spaghuardo!! I for one think it’s very very cute and sexy of you to draw attention away from me this awards season. At last, the whole world will be talking about my incredible acting ability, and not the fact that you’re the luckiest man alive

> **Eddie ‘Unfortunately Still A’ Tozier ✔** **_@etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @benhandsome @bevmartian @mikemikemikeymike @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> Bite me.

> **Richie ‘not a Karen, but a’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @etozier @benhandsome @bevmartian @mikemikemikeymike @surisaccounting_
> 
> Seems like a waste of my famed natural attributes but OK

> **Stanley Uris** **_@surisaccounting_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @etozier @benhandsome @bevmartian @mikemikemikeymike_
> 
> Delighted to be tagged in this, as always.

> **Eddie ‘Unfortunately Still A’ Tozier ✔** **_@etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @surisaccounting @richietozier @benhandsome @bevmartian @mikemikemikeymike_
> 
> Why don’t you go outside, Stan? There’s probably a crow out there or something that you can jerk off to.

> **Richie ‘not a Karen, but a’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @etozier @surisaccounting @benhandsome @bevmartian @mikemikemikeymike_
> 
> Hey, hey, babe

> **Eddie ‘Unfortunately Still A’ Tozier ✔** **_@etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @surisaccounting @benhandsome @bevmartian @mikemikemikeymike_
> 
> What, jackass?

> **Richie ‘not a Karen, but a’ Tozier ✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @etozier @surisaccounting @benhandsome @bevmartian @mikemikemikeymike_
> 
> Is this you? #bdeddie
> 
> _[attached image is_ [ _a tantalisingly phallic photo of the world’s tallest building_](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/9/93/Burj_Khalifa.jpg/240px-Burj_Khalifa.jpg) _]_

**Author's Note:**

> A cool and fun tip—most of the links in this are fake and thus not clickable (sorry) **but** every time a photo is described on Twitter and it looks like it's a link, it is a true functioning link. You're welcome.
> 
> I... cannot fathom how dumb this is. I've gone and done it. I've out-dumbed myself. Better just hang up my clown hat now, because I'm never going to write anything dumber than this. It's just not possible. This idea has been festering at the back of my brain since OCTOBER and I had to get it out. I can only apologise deeply for the result. God. What have I done. What have I wrought. Over 12,000 words. My parents will be so proud of me.
> 
> Credit where credit is due: I've been wanting to do a fic that includes Reddit elements for a while because I am trash for /r/AmITheAsshole but absolutely nothing will ever beat the Reddie-on-Reddit fic [I killed a clown. AMA!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22394368) by [liesmyth.](https://archiveofourown.org/users/liesmyth/pseuds/liesmyth) Any parts of this fic that are Reddit-themed absolutely owe a debt of thanks to that fic, and if you haven't read it yet, you have to rectify it immediately, because it's truly a fandom classic.


End file.
